Thoughts on Election 3.

When will it ever end?

Not to worry, I can promise you this is the third and final installment of this series. Don't blame me, presidential elections only come ever so often and this one's particularly important because it's the one where my generation gets to start voting and be part of the country's history.

Christopher Nolan's The Joker once said to one of the mob bosses, "All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to them." and that may have been the most sensible thing he has ever said in the film. Even The Joker sticks to his criminal code. I've thought about it a lot and I realized that Gotham City pre-Batman intervention isn't very different from our country. Too bad mob bosses translate to politicians and terrorists in our context, and it would be exceptionally difficult to go all vigilante and beat some sense into and the money-grubbing out of these candidates. Another thing about The Joker's statement, is if you replace the word 'criminal' with 'leader', then it obviously becomes something positive. The statement becomes a code to live by, a beacon of hope for others, and a sliver of hope to those who long for better governance. Just saying, yet again. I'm actually getting tired of caring about the grown-up stuff so, what I will do now is list down the things I came up with when I played "If I were President, I would..." game with myself (I know. Lame.).

• Declare that the second and fourth quarters of the year be tax-free. We should all give ourselves a break during summer and Christmas, and not be stingy about it. We deserve it.
• Deduct those tax cuts evenly from every government official's pork barrel. They'd be delighted to hear that, won't they? I think I will have to hire every assassin in the country first before they do. Then employ every security agency, perhaps?
• Make a way to sever ties with ADB, WB, UN and other seemingly important organizations which only made politicians the worst gamblers in the history of gambling, and made dreamers and artists look bad with their fantasies and imagination.
• Deport all foreigners working in the country when our very own talent could be employed. That would definitely reduce unemployment rate. Or not. At least I know I really patronize my country's own. Filipino pride, baby.
• Declare that political ads be a crime, with a sentence consisting of jail time and community service involving the sanitation of either the Manila Bay or the Pasig River, depending on how much money has been spent. I believe we already have enough bullshit to deal with on our own, and we don't need to see and/or hear someone broadcasting theirs.
• Declare that "reality tv shows" (which is a contradiction by the way, and a friend can attest to that) be banned from broadcasting on all local channels. If anyone wanted an actual reality tv show, they should get a video camera, and record all of the events happening to their lives and watch it. I'm serious. Never been more serious.
• Donate all government vehicles to provincial public schools as school bus service for the benefit of the children who live great distances away, and have to walk barefoot because they have no choice. I've seen a lot of government vehicles in my life as a driver, a commuter and as a passenger in my dad's cars. Alarmingly, with the use of simple deduction one can conclude that most of the people entrusted with their vehicles so there will be convenience in the matters of transportation, aren't doing anything even remotely close for the welfare of the people. Recently, I saw one particular white Innova with a red plate carrying a family in Baguio. I don't see any valid arguments for the plaintiff's defense. Case is closed.
• Deal with the insecurities of the Southerners waging war on their fellow countrymen when they should be bombing the hell out of the corporations who enjoy exploiting third-world countries and flaunting their "success". *cough*Microsoft*cough*
• Make it clear to every other non-free port country out there that nothing is special with their country, and we're not missing out; they are. Therefore, with that statement I will declare that every other non-free port country will have to get visas first before having the right to set foot in THE COUNTRY. With that thought, all shares of foreigners in domestic corporations will be seized under the notion of trespass. In your face, white boys. You just got served. And by the way, I am speaking in your tongue so you can fathom my contempt for your people right now. That's right, I'm racist like that. Don't worry, it'll pass. With a couple of drinks or so.

*damn it, I promised no more grown-up stuff! oh well...*

• Declare that the last Friday of January be "National Children's Day" (LONG WEEKEND BABY!). We love the line "Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan" so much it's so overused but we don't celebrate them. And we forget that we all were children once, so here's to us all. It will be mandated that acting all grown-up is a felony on this day. No scolding, no butt-spanking whatsoever. All grounding punishments handed out will be lifted temporarily and resume the following week.
• Declare that the Republic of the Philippines celebrate Mardi Gras or "Fat Tuesday" if you will, nationwide (well, at least the Roman Catholics of the country). I fail to see why we brag about being "the only Southeast Asian country with majority of the population being Christians" and not include this in our festivities, as well as St. Patrick's Day (which by the way if I might add, would be a very nice addition SINCE WE ALSO HAVE RAINBOWS IN OUR COUNTRY? We all know that there's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, and with that pot of gold is a leprechaun waiting to vanish to another dimension.. and we all know that leprechauns are Irish, right? RIGHT?).
• Declare that April 16 be April Skeptic's/Thinker's Day (I haven't really decided what to go with yet). It's only fair that the intellectuals get their day too, you know. I must warn the good citizens however, "Heads up, I can't imagine how this day can actually be fun right now. Applaud the brilliant minds who attempt and manage to do so though.".
• Declare that Labor Day be henceforth known as Non-Labor Day (when did we all get confused about celebrating a day of work by not working?).
• Declare that... oh wait, we already have a holiday for June... uh let's see... Oh what do you know, August 5 is International Beer Day! I'm not saying that we don't need Oktoberfest; we do. We just need to keep up with the concept of Globalization, and this has nothing to do with pointless merry-making whatsoever. And besides, Oktoberfest is biased with a single corporation; now every company who brews beer can have a fair chance of getting the world drunk—I mean, uh.. Drink moderately guys. Thanks. We don't want August 6 to be International Vomit Cleaning Day. Or maybe we do.
• Declare that it be mandatory to observe International Talk Like A Pirate Day (that's on September 19). And while we're at it, we might as well walk, sing, dance, laugh, think, act like a pirate. Rum is optional, but highly recommended. Marines are exempted from this ordeal, as well as any benefits and promotions, and are mandated to be in full uniform on duty and on the highest alert on this important day. Defecting to piracy may be an option for marines upon taking oath on the pirate code but they will be under the strictest probationary rules, such as but not limited to being subject to "the captain's orders".
• Declare that on World Food Day which falls on October 16, everyone is tasked to make sure at least everyone in the country has had a bite to eat, under the pain of death. A social death, that is. Epic guilt-tripping to no end.
• Declare the floor open to suggestions for other important holidays. These will be scrutinized thoroughly and impartially. Please take note that the office will only be accepting holidays for jubilation, not those that will be subject to ridicule and mockery such as "Bury a pet day" or "No underpants day" or "Brainfreeze day" or pray not... "JEJEMON DAY" which will otherwise be simply known forever by my office as "Armageddon".

Thank you. My multi-personality administration was and will always be happy to serve you.